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I require a lot of water to maintain a state of well-being, most of it in the form of a hot bath. Especially when the weather suddenly turns cold (as is recently has) and i don’t want to be cold. If the day has been particularly trying, the bath requires a few other elements as well to complete the perfect combination: Bath, Book, Beverage and (ideally but rarely) Bowl of Ice Cream.
To make time for all my reading and relaxing I’ve been avoiding the computer, as every time i sit down before the glowing screen thinking i have a little free time to spare, that time is quickly stolen from me. So, my email’s gone unopened and unanswered and you know i’m not touching Facebook since that’s at least thirty-minute down the drain.
And rather than generating words i’ve been consuming thousands of them, mostly in the form of home decor or parenting/family magazines. Part of the point of the bath ritual, lest you should mistakenly think i’m pursuing cleanliness, is to convince myself to go to bed earlier, which really feels like swimming against the tide. The other part is to stay warm. And most of the point of going to bed earlier is to become more productive during my waking hours. But with this system, i’m spending more of those waking hours just sitting there, reading. Also, more frequent baths equals more frequent scrubbing of the bathtub, so i guess it’s kind of a wash.
The good news is that grocery shopping, er, more specifically (and nerdy-soundingly,) couponing, is my new unofficial hobby. Oh, the thrill of the hunt! The feeling of accomplishment i derive from watching my total shrink at the cash register!
That has changed one of my chores into something a little exciting, so maybe there’s a way i can convince myself that things like soapy dish water and clean dishes are as relaxing as my beloved bath time.
It started a couple weeks ago in a busy coffee shop. When i walked in the door, i was had decided to behave in a manner that reflected the Hope of Christ to those i came in contact with. Novel idea, eh? Well, that sort of intentionality is something i often neglect. Anyhow, i was extra-friendly (for me) with the barista, and she was, well, she was extra-businesslike. The speed and efficiency with which she worked suggested perhaps she was defusing bombs rather than making lattes behind that counter. Our interaction quickly over, i looked around and sized up the situation as i stirred in my cream and sugar. Unless i wanted to interrupt one of the several men sitting alone with a BlueTooth at a laptop, (and i did not,) that was the end of the social interactions.
I was a little shocked by how easy it was to maneuver through a large room full of people with absolutely no interaction, not even eye contact. I imagined how folks could be going through whole days surrounded by other humans but completely isolated.
On Election Day, when a friend of mine proudly announced she’d voted for the wrong person. Except she didn’t realize he was the wrong person. Suddenly i noticed that i’d avoided ever “opening the can of worms” because i didn’t want to get into all that mess, or risk starting what might be (at worst) an uncomfortable or unpleasant conversation for the sake of clarifying our beliefs and reaching a greater understanding of Truth (= Christ and his Word). In short, i didn’t care enough to try and understand what was really going on; instead i preferred to keep things comfortable.
This was about the time i began to kick myself for years of avoiding the hard stuff or the stuff i just don’t know how say tactfully. My friend and i, members of the Body of Christ, if we can’t talk about things that are real, then who can? And seeing as this world is basically ending any minute now (a statement i make in a more Ecclesiastes and less Revelations kind of way) and our lives just vaporize into history as the hours are spent, what am i waiting for?
Stella and Brian are “out loud” thinkers, who are constantly asking questions and who actually want me to express how i feel and what i think. Oh, how crazy this makes me. You want to understand my mental processes? Well, i can’t even do that, so why talk about it? They are wide open and not afraid to ask questions, are not so caught up in translating perfectly from thought to word. I, on the other hand, may secretly be from the Midwest or Northern Europe: i don’t think anyone really needs to know what i’m thinking.
Well, turns out that some things need to be said. Sometimes information needs to be volunteered, like explaining to my husband that I’m happy with him, but have had a hard day and that’s why i seem kind of funky. And sometimes questions need to be asked; i need to value the words of my talkers and engage with them.
And for me, this often translates to just saying “Hi,” to someone i don’t know or know well, and then whatever mysterious words are supposed to come after that. Maybe opening a can of worms is not the worst that can happen, and maybe feeling like an dork because i’ve tried too hard to be friendly is not really so bad. I think it’s worse to look backward and see the opportunities wasted by my desire for comfort and self-preservation.
Was anyone else laughing at the SNL election update sketches that were playing Thursday nights leading up to the election? I was. In fact, that was the only election-related TV that i was remotely interested in.
The golden quote featured above belonged to the economist in the sketch, whose only economy advice, repeated fervently and frequently, was to JUST FIX IT!
I can relate. I’ve told you all about how hard it is to get things done, about how i don’t like to talk about things but to do them, and about realizing that if i want to change, then i need to change. It’s come to my attention, or perhaps back to my attention, that i’m not the only one struggling there. B and i are reading a book with our couple’s small group, “Respectable Sins,” by Jerry Bridges, which is challenging us to grab all those sins we can so easily gloss over: pride, ungodliness (yikes!), unthankfulness and the like, and rip them out from the roots.
Weekly we discuss the issues as they apply to our lives, and how we can affect change. The discussion, however, is not change. We could talk about issues all day long, outlining perfect strategies to just FIX IT… but that would not fix it. The “fix” comes after we’ve shut our mouths (that action alone can fix a few problems), and just done it.
So why is that step the hard part? What gets lost in that gap between wanting to do the right thing and doing it? Why is this problem so common that the Scriptures (Romans 7:18-9) document it?: “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”
Is it our sin nature? Laziness, complacency? If you figure this out, let me know; i’m itching to just fix it!
From one of my two favorite sisters i received an iTunes gift card as a birthday gift. Thanks Court and Stu!
Now try as i may, i cannot decide upon which tunes are the very most important to add to my life right now. I feel the need for a little bluesy-ness; with hints of bluegrass or even Motown, but then get pulled to the idea of buying something that i’ve never heard, with ethereal, exciting layers of sounds to dissect. And then who can resist good music to sing along with or dance around like a wierdo to? Or something deeply stirring and worshipful? Ok, it’s not as if the gift card is the only way i’ll ever buy new music, but being as I’m not one to commit, this is quite the dilemma!
You are full of good comments and input, from the bit i get to see in your comments here. So if you were to recieve a similar gift, what must you absolutely buy? There is really no way you could give a bad suggestion, unless you included the words “High School Musical.” So tell me, what are you listening to and loving lately?
January 1st of this year, I took my Bible and journal out for coffee and sat alone for a long time, facing myself, praying about what changes a new year should bring for me. I remember so clearly the way I felt like I wanted to just burst out of my body: jittery and restless. And it wasn’t just the coffee. Or the “Restless Leg Syndrome” from the pregnancy I did not yet know that I was carrying.
A couple weeks ago, on the eve of my birthday (27 on Oct. 27th!) I’ve revisited those thoughts. A birthday is a great moment to take stock of growth and change. In light of all that, the other day, I had an Aha! Moment; I’d just driven through Krispy Kreme for a snack. Having neglected breakfast but not coffee I was feeling a bit shaky. And I thought of how I’d like to think of myself as a person who takes better care of herself than that.
I held on to that thought—which seems to represent so much in my life, the need for attention to detail, and essentially to behave like a responsible grown-up person—and I asked myself, Well, when is it going to change? When will I make that leap to becoming the woman I’d like to be, and not just wanting to be her? I mean, this is life, and Life is now, so I need to be what I need to be! And now when I try to explain that moment, I find myself just repeating those words with such fervor, as if saying the same thing over and over will somehow convey the fullness of the feelings and meaning behind them.
I have such trouble focusing when I turn my attention to my inner life. I try to be introspective, but just don’t know where to start. And with most any area of life, when I don’t know where to start, I putter around picking things up and setting them down and maybe straightening up but never really getting to the bottom of the situation.
Lately I’m praying for things to really be rooted out; to get to the bottom of things. Imagine my surprise when that’s been happening! Take this revelation, for one, cutting straight through to the root of my tendency to have the very best intentions and very little action. Oh, it hurts me so! But I did ask for it.
There was a moment this afternoon, around 4:00, when i thought “Will this day ever end?”
Probably i feel this way every year, after the time changes and the light looks all wrong for the newly-adjusted hour of the day and i become terribly nostalgic, not only for the passing summertime, but for the passing moments collapsing too quickly into months and then years.
Then the kids had a bath because they needed one, and thought it was pajama time, though it was not even dinner time yet. Then they ate dinner, Nana arrived to babysit, and B and i departed for an evening out, just the two of us and Asher and then suddenly it was really night time.
After BBQ Chicken Pizza we walked on the River Walk, no one else around, and the only sound the muffled traffic driving over the bridge. I love this town. We strolled in the clear darkness and remembered that it was this time of year seven years ago that we met.
Now, at the end of the day the moment i thought the day would never end seems just a moment ago. Some of my favorites of the day:
: watching Oliver dance, entirely uninhibited, and hearing him sing along with the worship music in church this morning. He is desperate to hear the “mu-mic” after Grow Zone every week at church, but this week we were too late for him to get in. He danced so freely, played air guitar and drums, and made up his own lyrics (“Our God! Our God! Wash sin awaaaaaay!!”) to fill in the gaps between words he could understand.
: Taking a family “Treasure Hunt” walk in the neighborhood, having given the kids the task of finding special treasure to take home. Stella was so absorbed with picking up leaves, rocks or little branches, she would occassionally look up, asking “Mom! Where’s our Treasure Hunt leader?” referring to her Daddy, and he’d be right there in front of her, but she was too excited about her find to keep track of him.
: Asher snuggling in my lap, smiling and talking his sweet baby talk, as i enjoyed a dinner with adult conversation (and no one climbing on my lap, begging for bites of my food).
: Comparing memories with my husband of our first meeting and first impressions. First time we met: a Christian Surfers meeting at a Wrightsville Beach church. (Me, not a surfer, but having very few friends at that time, I was looking for any way to meet people who might become good friends. I will say, it honestly did not cross my mind that the male-female ratio at such a meeting might be favorable for a single young lady.)
: Feeling a sweet nostalgia for that time of my life, but not missing it: I am so glad, so thankful, to be right here, right now.
